Moncton — As a result of a closed-chambers vote yesterday, the popular Evolve summer music festival will not take place in Moncton. The vote stemmed from a complaint lodged two months ago from a man who discovered a disturbing lack of representation of his beliefs in the 2016 lineup.
Stephen Leblanc is the administrator of the Facebook group “New Brunswick is 6,000 years old.” “I have no problem listening to DJs and jam-bands play 20-minute songs promoting the idea that we [are] descended from primates.” Leblanc removed his wrap-around sunglasses and continued, “But it’s my right, and my children’s rights, to also hear 20-, maybe even 25-minute songs about how, for instance, God himself hid millions of ‘fossils’ around the world for his children to find, like a giant Easter egg hunt.”
Local entrepreneur Terrance Hatley lamented the loss of the event, which normally brings in thousands of tourists from across Canada and the eastern United States. “I already paid my deposit on a stall selling bottled water and iPhone chargers,” he said. Hatley explained that every summer he collects the iPhone chargers that festival-goers leave behind and simply sells them back the next year. “That pretty much covers most of my tuition.”
Newly elected Mayor Dawn Arnold also disagreed with the decision, which in addition to driving tourism, has helped deplete acres of pest crops in Maritime municipalities. “They come in, spend thousands on iPhone chargers and eat all of our Psilocybin mushrooms… it’s a win-win,” she said.
A recent post on Leblanc’s Facebook group celebrated the victory. “For years I would to travel to Antigonish, N.S. just to sit through a 30-minute song by the band ‘Holy Fuck’ without a single mention of the liberal bias in radiocarbon dating.”