Ottawa — Former governor general David Johnston appeared lifeless at the grand opening of a new daycare today.
“I’m dead inside,” he told the roomful of toddlers. “Please end this misery now. I’m supposed to be retired. I thought I was done with this. I just…I just don’t know how much longer I can do this.” A four-year old patted Johnston on the back and offered him his Peddy — a stuffed bear toy that looked as though it had never been washed.
According to historian Richard Maher, an evil witch has condemned all former governor generals to an eternity of public speaking events. The curse dates back to a deal made between the witch and Lord Tweedsmuir, the 58th governor general of Canada.
“Lord Tweedsmuir took his position seriously and felt his successors must as well,” Professor Maher explained, pointing to Tweedsmuir’s diary.
“On October 14th, 1935, he wrote ‘From this day forth, all Men that hold this position shall spend their waking life travelling this great country. Don’t worry. The witch promised an expense account.’”
It is unclear whether female governor generals, such as Adrienne Clarkson, are affected by the wording of the deal.
“As a well-paid historian, I can confirm that the use of ‘Men’ in those days did not refer to gender. But under today’s language, the witch could reconsider the terms,” the professor explained. “A more inclusive witch spell could have stated ‘I command all of Us in the position of governor general’ rather than all Men. Hindsight is 20/20, even among witches.”