Fredericton — Four schools were placed under a lockdown Friday morning after a teenager carrying an umbrella was falsely identified as a man with a gun, an event which has prompted city officials to reconsider the regulations surrounding a citizen’s right to carry.
“Lawdy, lawdy, I was so scared,” said Mayor Brad Woodside, patting his brow with a wet napkin. “I knew that somebody had to do something in this here city to stop such a thing from happening again.”
Consequently, the City of Fredericton announced today that they have officially banned the use of umbrellas in all public areas, as well as the radio broadcast of the 2007 hit Rihanna song by the same name, since it “romanticizes” the use of the now illegal device.
“We understand how this might be problematic for those who are adverse to being wet,” deputy Mayor Eric Megarity said today in a public statement. “But we feel that there are several options available for those who wish to stay dry on rainy days.”
When asked what some of the these options were, he thought for a moment, and suggested, “Well, for instance you…could… stay at home.”
Green Party candidate Mary Lou Babineau displayed her opposing viewpoint, while promoting her patented “badass” image this morning by strutting up and down Prospect Street, defiantly waving a Dora the Explorer umbrella over her head and shouting some nonsense about rain and sustenance, or whatever.
Although the opposition to this action has been fierce, some support the controversial decision to outlaw the personal use of the collapsible canopy. “I’ve been both shot and soaked in my day,” said 94-year-old WWII veteran and water-balloon enthusiast Malcolm Donkin, “and I much prefer being wet.”
The City of Fredericton stipulated that the fine for carrying an umbrella in a public area will be equatable with that of opening one indoors — meaning 6 or 7 years of bad luck, or 2 with good behaviour.
I usually enjoy The Manatee’s humour, but this isn’t funny at all. Given the tragedy of school shootings this incident shouldn’t be made fun of. Yes, it was just an umbrella, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Shame on whoever wrote this to think a gun scare is funny.
I disagree! No one got hurt here, there was no tragedy. Just an umbrella-ella-ella. (Eh? Eh? Eh?)
They city did the right thing in how they acted. Very true, better safe than sorry. But that doesn’t make the outcome any less ripe for satire. I found this article funny.
Stupid article. And it obviously wasn’t a normal umbrella, which would bring some sense to your satirical piece.
Wasn’t a normal umbrella, you’re right this one must of shot bullets or missiles, stop please.
People are so paranoid now. All that commotion and panic over an umbrella… It looked nothing like a gun either.
Really guys, take a joke between now and then. The article doesn’t target anyone, and it was funny that the umbrella wasn’t a weapon. Also, understand that it was a fashion choice of the man. None of you complemented his fashion. Maybe because you never seen a fashion like this before, but just to educate yourselves about this kind of fashion, look at Japan or Korea :). hope the joke gets to you after you read this <3 best wishes, and stop being scared of your shadows <3
Get real. All the school shootings are not happening in Canada. It is in the USA. Two different countries, both are two very different counties, both with different gun laws and ideas of gun rights. People need to stop thinking that we are the exact the same. We ARE NOT THE USA we are Canada!!! People are panicking over incidents that are happening in a different country. You are falling for fear mongering by the Conservative party of Canada.
Found this article hilarious. Had a great time reading this one, keep up the good work Manatee!
Another scare tactic in a blue riding . Lets make a niqab raincoat. Then you can hide your umbrella.
Heres an idea.. no more backpacks to school, no clothing, do not carry objects.. simply review all of your classes criteria and show up to school in the nude. I mean if you are taking away the right to use an umbrella, you may as well take away clothes where weapons can be concealed (in your pants) .. or in cut out pages of the book you are carrying.