Fredericton — Four schools were placed under a lockdown Friday morning after a teenager carrying an umbrella was falsely identified as a man with a gun, an event which has prompted city officials to reconsider the regulations surrounding a citizen’s right to carry.
“Lawdy, lawdy, I was so scared,” said Mayor Brad Woodside, patting his brow with a wet napkin. “I knew that somebody had to do something in this here city to stop such a thing from happening again.”
Consequently, the City of Fredericton announced today that they have officially banned the use of umbrellas in all public areas, as well as the radio broadcast of the 2007 hit Rihanna song by the same name, since it “romanticizes” the use of the now illegal device.
“We understand how this might be problematic for those who are adverse to being wet,” deputy Mayor Eric Megarity said today in a public statement. “But we feel that there are several options available for those who wish to stay dry on rainy days.”
Green Party candidate Mary Lou Babineau displayed her opposing viewpoint, while promoting her patented “badass” image this morning by strutting up and down Prospect Street, defiantly waving a Dora the Explorer umbrella over her head and shouting some nonsense about rain and sustenance, or whatever.
Although the opposition to this action has been fierce, some support the controversial decision to outlaw the personal use of the collapsible canopy. “I’ve been both shot and soaked in my day,” said 94-year-old WWII veteran and water-balloon enthusiast Malcolm Donkin, “and I much prefer being wet.”
The City of Fredericton stipulated that the fine for carrying an umbrella in a public area will be equatable with that of opening one indoors — meaning 6 or 7 years of bad luck, or 2 with good behaviour.