Fredericton — In a surprising move, the City of Fredericton has decided to replace its entire mass transit system with a fleet of single-user “hoverboards.” The decision comes after city transit workers voted to strike this past week.
“We’re making an effort to keep with the times,” said Mayor Brad Woodside. “Buses are big, expensive, require human operation and you have to interact with other people, which many users find undesirable.”
Woodside stated that the hoverboard, a two-wheeled vehicle akin to the iconic Segway, would solve all of these problems.
“We see them as a low-cost alternative to our current system. We wouldn’t require drivers, bus stops, maintenance people, or buses at all! We just give everyone a hoverboard,” said the mayor.
Riders seemed to be on board with the idea as well. “Man, this is so dope,” said Austin Hanover, a longtime hoverboard enthusiast, while his friend described them as #awesome [sic].
Buses would be sold off to other cities with growing transit systems, while all workers would be laid off. City Hall claims the full liquidation of the current transit system will pay for the new boards in full.
While City Hall is optimistic about the change, some other riders were confused as to the reasoning behind the move. “What about the winter? Does this thing even have snow tires?” said one concerned resident.
“This is barely a board, and it doesn’t even hover — the wheels are right there. I don’t understand,” said another.
Transit workers are also unhappy with the proposed changes. “This is the type of bourgeoisie nonsense that keeps me striking proudly,” said Stephen Holt, a 10-year veteran driver. “Not to mention the absolute mess this would cause… are they even thinking in that building, or do they just eat cheese from the fancy part of Sobeys and sip on their bottled wine?”
When asked about the impact nearly 30,000 hoverboards would have on traffic in Fredericton, Woodside responded, “The boards are small and low-visibility — we believe drivers will barely notice them.”