Friggin’ jerks at Environment Canada seriously calling for another blizzard

New Brunswick — Those loveable folks at Environment Canada have done it again — another blizzard on the way for New Brunswick. The agency is calling for a “Wild Winter Whiteout” all across the province on Sunday into Monday morning. The residents of Canada’s Picture Province seem to have lost all patience with Environment Canada, and riots have broken out in various cities and towns since the warning was issued.

“Those people have no sympathy!” cried Janice Fullerton of Minto. “They’re just calling all the shots up there in their ivory towers, watching us suffer.”

The nationally reputable agency issued the storm warning Friday morning, saying: “New Brunswick should prepare for upwards of 100 centimetres of snow with wind gusts reaching speeds equivalent to the tornado that was in The Wizard of Oz.”

Grocery stores have been looted, convenience stores have been ransacked and restaurants have been booked solid with reservations. The Manatee braved the panic-filled streets of Fredericton to get an idea of how the public is dealing with the news of this impending blizzard.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!” shouted an angry woman who didn’t give her name.

“I think this is all the work of those bastards at Environment Canada,” suggested Ben Logan. “I sent them a strongly worded letter this past summer about how hot it was getting, and this is them getting back at me. I know it.”

Environment Canada has tried to assure the public that they themselves have no bearing on the weather whatsoever and that they are simply predicting and reporting what is actually happening. “We have no vested interest in whether or not there’s a blizzard,” explained a rather smug-sounding Deborah Shaw, spokeswoman for the agency.

According to the recent advisory, “This coming storm may be, and most likely will be, the storm of all storms. A storm so large and destructive that it changes life as we know it in New Brunswick.”