Fredericton — In a show of solidarity with New Brunswick schoolchildren whose chocolate milk and juice are being taken away, the province plans to ban all junk food in all levels and branches of government, including that of the premier.
“I don’t eat junk food anyway, so it doesn’t really affect me, to be honest,” shrugged Brian Gallant, checking out his abs in his full-length mirror. “Anyway, it wouldn’t kill you office drones to skip the junk and eat healthy. If the kids can give up their juice and chocolate milk, surely you grown adults can veto the DQ and eat a salad for once in your life.”
Several new measures are being put in place to ensure compliance in offices across the province, including:
- All lunches will be checked. All government workers will have to pass through security and any junk food will be confiscated and destroyed.
- Random office checks will be implemented, checking for junk food “stashes.”
- “Coffee” breaks will now be officially called “water” breaks.
- Employees who go off-site for lunch will need to email a picture of their meal to ensure the junk food-free rules are being followed.
- Birthday cake is allowed, but only if it is your birthday and it cannot exceed 5cm * 5cm * 5cm and 22 grams of sugar. Frosting must not be coloured or exceed 0.5 cm in thickness on any one side. No candies or decorations are allowed.
The ban is starting off simple at first, with a “No coffee and no pop” policy that Gallant is confident will be easy enough.
“Civil servants don’t need caffeine to jump-start their day — they have the ‘natural high’ that comes with doing a good job for their province,” he said.
The workers themselves are less than thrilled.
“My reason to get up in the morning is Timmies, and my reason to stay up all day at work is Pepsi and Burger King,” said forestry technologist Seth Harrison. “These crazy rules are just going to force us to binge eat all night after work…more so, I mean.”
Government is also toying with the idea of banning cars, effectively forcing workers to walk or bike to their places of employment, or — heaven forbid — take public transit.
“Being healthy just isn’t worth it,” said Harrison, when we told him that plan. “That’ll be the day I move outta this province for good.”