Saint John — The Trinity Royal Church announced this week they are struggling to keep the doors open due to a decline in parishioners. Not surprised by the news is God, the Lord in Heaven.
“I have seen this trend coming since the beginning of time,” God said on a conference call with the media. “The number of my believers has been declining in Saint John since urban renewal.” He, who is great, described the 1960s development project as a missed opportunity to create a more walkable city. “Have you tried crossing City Road? Moses himself couldn’t get anyone to stop and he parted the Nile!”
Trinity Church is one of many Saint John places of worship threatened by expensive repairs. Stone Church hall was demolished less than a year ago due to rising maintenance costs, while the Saint John Cathedral struggles to fund its renovation with fewer people in the pews.
God the High and Exalted One told reporters that the most recent blow to people’s faith within the Port City was the 2014-15 winter — a record-setting snow accumulation he now regrets.
“I thought a return to Old Testament methods would strike the fear of Me in those trapped by the snow. Although I am all knowing, I had no idea it would lead to further apathy.”
Beth Parker, 29, lives in the uptown core of none-believers. Asked if she feared an afterlife in Hell, she shrugged her shoulders. “Can’t be worse than a cruise ship day. They’re the worst!”
The monotheistic deity knows exactly why the city residents have lost all hope. He has initiated a long-term plan that will surely return his Saint John flock — come hell or high water.
“My people live in safer times than ever before. Rather than helping their brother, most Saint Johners spend their energy complaining about potholes and construction. I am hoping my climate change strategy will turn people to prayer. Once the rising tides reach the Irving Oil Headquarters site and delay construction again, I expect I will hear repentance. Otherwise, it will be their nostrils next.”
Before reporters could ask the rate of cubits the water shall rise, the conference call was disconnected. The Lord did not respond to attempts at reconnecting, and His Skype account disappeared soon after.