Fredericton — On Family Day 2019 the Progressive Conservative government has made a major announcement for a new statutory holiday starting in 2020 honouring the province’s many second families.
“Gallant was riding high on his Family Day achievement, but the former premier seemed to have forgotten about the many New Brunswickers with second families. This new holiday — falling on the Tuesday right after Family Day — will give cheaters time with their secret lovers and illegitimate children who live the next town over,” explained a beaming Premier Blaine Higgs.
“Second families really get the shaft here in New Brunswick, with almost all resources allocated for people’s legal spouse and their kids. Apparently Mr. Gallant didn’t value the contribution to our economy made by those who maintain not just one family, but two. They deserve a bigger slice of the pie, if anything!”
As far as time off, Second Family Day will give people who are carrying on a secret double life a four-day weekend, extending their February holiday.
“It’s a lot of work to juggle all the lies, the alibis, and frankly the financial burden of taking care of my second family,” said Jeff MacIntosh of Nashwaaksis. “It’s nice that the government is finally recognizing that effort and setting aside a day where I can focus only on my secret wife and offspring.”
MacIntosh’s second significant other, Tara, only today learned that she is the second wife and not the first.
“I thought I was his real wife. Granted, I never saw much of him and he always said he had to work late, and he never spent the night at our house, which was a little odd. But he snores so I thought he was just being considerate.
“Come to think of it, he also didn’t seem to know our kids’ names and he wouldn’t accept my relationship request on Facebook. I guess all the signs were there. Anyway, it’s fine by me — that Tuesday will give us a chance to play catch-up and get to know each other better.”
One obvious flaw in Higgs’s plan is that New Brunswickers will do anything for another day off work. Anything.
“I’m happily married with two beautiful children, but I’ve joined Tinder looking for ‘the one.’ Well, ‘the second one,’ I guess you’d say,” explained aspiring cheater Allan Neilson. “If I have to start another family, so be it. I think a lot of ladies out there will be interested in me simply because they’re also looking to add another family to get that sweet, sweet day off.”
Higgs said people who wish to take advantage of Second Family Day will need to prove they actually have two families by submitting a selfie to the Social Development department for evaluation by a new Committee for Second Families.
“The bags under their eyes and their look of utter fatigue should do it,” said the premier. “You wouldn’t know it looking at me, but I’m only 45. Leading a double life really takes its toll!”