Rothesay — Protesters gathered Saturday evening outside of Premier Blaine Higgs’s home, in an attempt to get him to finally reinstate “freedom” by removing measures in place to curb the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately for the protesters, though, Higgs had already been fast asleep for several hours by the time they arrived with their picket signs and chants.
“We yelled and screamed, honked our horns, and he didn’t even have the decency to come out and face us!” cried a particularly riled-up Art Munn, who drove all the way from Zealand for the occasion. “We tried yelling and screaming at City Hall a while ago, and for some reason nothing changed after that, so we thought, might as well go right to the source of all these foolish mandates!”
According to Higgs’s wife Marcia, the premier usually nods off in his easy chair after his 4:30 p.m. supper, then awakens with a start during the Live at 5 theme music, at which point he heads to bed, removes his hearing aid and promptly starts snoring.
“Oh, my no, they missed him by quite a while. He has his white noise machine and earplugs and is dead to the world. I myself barely heard them. I was just knitting and drinking some tea, and thought the noise was just part of my TV program.
“Blaine is up at 5 every morning — that would have been the best time to come if they wanted his attention for whatever reason,” she told our reporter. “They looked cold and hungry out there, so I brought them a plate of cookies around 7, before I turned in, too.”
According to the “mainstream media” (all sources besides YouTube and Twitter) the protest was a bust.
“The picketers were not acknowledged in any way — making this protest just as successful and effective as the ongoing Ottawa freedom convoy,” said a CBC reporter, who happened to be driving by to witness the event. “Some of them actually shovelled Higgs’s driveway just to keep warm, so he probably thinks a kindly neighbour came by to do a good deed.”
On Sunday morning, Higgs woke up feeling particularly refreshed from 12 hours of completely uninterrupted slumber.
“Ahh, what a great night’s sleep!” exclaimed the premier, rubbing his eyes and stretching before putting on his slippers and picking up the Telegraph-Journal to read with his coffee.