Horizon Health blames dice roll for decided location of abortion services

Moncton — Horizon Health Network announced the decision earlier this week to provide abortion services at Moncton Hospital, within 5 minutes of another hospital already providing these services.

With restrictions to abortion services rearranged by the provincial government, New Brunswick hospital networks are being required to do something that looks relatively convincing, but without being too progressive.

Horizon Health’s chosen location for abortion services has caused a lot of head-scratching and even criticism from taxpayers around the province; however, Horizon has stated — despite best efforts — the dice-roll conducted to determine where these services would be provided dictated that it would indeed be the Moncton location.

MonctonHospital“Horizon strives to be an innovative leader in the provision of medical care for New Brunswickers,” claimed spokesperson Bob McLerry during the official press conference. “In doing so, we’re always utilizing the most creative methods when it comes to deciding stuff; in this case, it was the rolling of three four-sided die.”

Amidst accusations of being sassy, stubborn and disgustingly wasteful, McLerry lead a presentation on the decision process early Tuesday morning. “It’s quite simple, really. Each hospital we own is attributed a number, and we roll 3 dice. The number you get when you add up all the dots showing is the hospital you choose!”

McLerry cited the fantastic condition of New Brunswick healthcare as evidence of dice-rolling’s credibility.

Critics of the decision have pointed out that the Dr. Georges-L.-Dumont University Hospital Centre located embarrassingly close by already provides abortion services. A large amount of New Brunswick will remain without access. McLerry has advised people to consider the “gamble” involved when rolling a bunch of die.

“You know, you don’t always get exactly what you want; I had hopes on 6 myself. But hey — it’s an exciting lesson for us all, I think. Maybe life is just one big roll of the dice? And since when do taxpayers pay attention to this stuff?”

McLerry refused to comment on whether Horizon’s next big decision would be based on “no-fun” research and data analysis, or “all-in-to-win” dice games.



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