New Brunswick — The Horizon Health Network is planning to put an end to the variety of colourful outfits worn by nurses, instead decking them out in standard sexy-nurse uniforms.
Horizon Health VP Maggie MacDonald says that the network and the nurses’ union have agreed that nurses will start wearing tight, revealing uniforms by January 2016, in only black, white and red.
“Patients were complaining that while nurses were wearing a kaleidoscope of colours and patterns — which in theory should have been pleasing to the eye — these outfits were oversized and frumpy,” said MacDonald. “They all looked so boring and bland that patients couldn’t even see them. And they looked as dumpy as every other New Brunswicker, so patients couldn’t distinguish between nurses and visitors to the hospital.”
The new uniforms will include a selection of fishnet tights, stiletto heels, garter belts, miniskirts, bustiers, and those saucy little caps with the plus-sign on them. Essentially, anything university students wear to Halloween parties when they’re dressed as a “sexy nurse” will be part of the lineup.
“We want them to be recognizable,” elaborated MacDonald. “Everyone knows a sexy nurse when they see one — and if the nurses want to show some leg and a little cleavage, we’re totally on board with that as well. It’ll actually improve patients’ stay in the hospital if they get a little visual stimulation. It’s a win-win.”
Most nurses welcome the change, saying their old uniforms did nothing to accentuate their best physical features. Some, naturally, are upset that they’re being forced to be ogled at by patients and other staff. And male nurses are utterly confused as to what they should be wearing.
“We’ll sort out any issues later,” said MacDonald. “Obviously one of the major pros of this is that those sexy-nurse costumes … er … uniforms … are super cheap. You can get them at Walmart or Pleasures N’ Treasures for around $19.97 — it’ll save the province a boatload of money.”