Jemseg to become forced retirement community

Jemseg — With the first 2 phases complete, the Gallant government’s overall strategy to resettle New Brunswick seniors in Jemseg and “cut them loose” is now closer than ever.

Pointing to the fine print in the last budget, Finance Minister Roger Melanson said that once provincial tax auditors are finished divesting seniors of their pensionable income, they would be forced to liquidate their remaining assets (i.e. homes) in order to pay for food and prescription medications.

jemseg“With no place to live and dwindling savings, seniors will need our help more than ever,” said Melanson. “This is why we’re pleased to announce that we’re nearing completion of what we’re calling Happy Trails Senior Living.”

The first phase, apparently, was the cancellation of the Jemseg ferry. Phase 2 was the bridge closure, thereby limiting the number of access points available for exit during inevitable escape attempts, or “senior moments,” by future inhabitants. The third will be purchasing the remaining homes of residents below retirement age still inconveniently living in the village, at well-below market value.

Charlotte Tidd, a spokesperson for the Minister of Social Development, said with the unexpected increase in funding, the department will be able to send in a supply truck every week with rations, including oatmeal, bran flakes, prune juice, Metamucil and Depends. A community access point for electricity will be chosen to allow for social gatherings such as Matlock and Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman nights, and for communal showering not unlike what’s offered at the province’s finest campgrounds.

“It’s a two-fold repurposing,” Tidd explained. “An aging community is given a new identity and purpose, and our elderly loved ones who can no longer contribute meaningfully to society can live in mutual obsolescence, thereby freeing up the time necessary for their offspring to lead more meaningful lives. It’s a win-win.

“And during the spring, when the merciful Saint John River rises, we simply close the remaining road into the community and allow Mother Nature to reclaim what she so chooses.”