Charlottetown — Wednesday was sentencing day for a man from Kitchener, ON after he was charged for a string of petty crimes earlier this year. The Charlottetown judge seemed to drop the hammer on the man, sentencing him to what one bystander called “the harshest punishment the Island has seen since the whole Nickleback thing.”
“The courtroom was shocked the judge could be so heartless,” further explained Jillian Manuel, who watched the drama unfold as the judge issued a two-year ban of the province. “But then people were even more surprised when the accused pleaded with the judge to increase the duration of the ban.”
“Please, please make it more — at least 4,” read the court transcript obtained by The Manatee. “I thought this place was bad in the summer with all of the tourist crap, the red hair, the gross cordial that everyone sells, and those god-awful Cows T-shirts everyone wears. But winter here is the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen in my life — and I used to live in St. Stephen!”
The documents went on to describe the motive behind the man’s crimes.
“My crimes were just an attempt to get me put in jail to escape the misery of this place. I’ve always felt pressured into visiting my family here, but never again! I never thought I’d be lucky enough to be banished. I finally have a valid excuse to never come back and I couldn’t be happier.”
Sources close to the man were not surprised by his pleas, and informed our reporter that he has long bellowed for a valid reason to not have to visit his mother who lives on the Island.
“He comes each winter to help his mom with the snow and stuff,” said Lyle Downey, a longtime friend. “But each year it’s more of the same, just him looking for ways to not have to visit but also not feel guilty about it — I guess he’s finally figured his way out.”