New Brunswick — Life is hard. And, if you’re unfortunate enough to have been born in the tiny have-not province of New Brunswick, it’s bound to be even harder. That’s why The Manatee is launching a kid-friendly version of the popular satirical news site adults all around the province have grown to love.
“The Manatee Jr.” — as it will be called until we think of something more cutesy — will feature an array of stories introducing young New Brunswickers to life in their home province. There will be stories about New Brunswick shapes: a pyramid for the province’s many beloved pyramid schemes; a rectangle for the shape of the vast clearcuts made by JDI, Limited; a square for the shape of the call-centre cubicles most New Brunwickers spend their working lives inside. There will be stories depicting New Brunswick colours: grey-brown, like the St. John River; white like everything outside from November till April. Kids will even learn about New Brunswick animals such as the extinct wild donair.
The stories, instead of being satirical, will teach practical lessons in an upbeat and kid-friendly way. With the help of our mascot “Baby Hugh,” children will learn the correct answers for the employment insurance questions (No, No, No, Yes, No); they’ll learn math skills in calculating the price of beer ($24.99 for a 12-pack of Alpine, plus 15% HST); they’ll learn about budgeting for the cost of post-secondary education ($0 as long as you’re poor).
When browsing The Manatee Jr., your kids will get a better handle on language studies (well, they’ll learn to hate French people and other non-English speakers); they’ll learn writing skills (…if ranting incoherently in the CBC comments section counts as writing).
The site will go so far as to encourage kids to get active by walking down to the bank to cash their E.I. cheque, or by stealing a bike to ride to Dixie Lee to pick up their dad’s popcorn chicken and poutine.
If it’s crucial to life in N.B., kids will find it on The Manatee Jr. Site launches May 1.