Atlantic Canada — Earlier this week Elections Canada warned environmental groups that they should be wary of promoting climate change as real during the upcoming federal election, because it could be seen as a partisan move.
Now, The Mantatee wants to provide our readers with a comprehensive list of other things that shouldn’t be touted as real for that same reason.
1: Round Earth: With all the controversy these days around the shape of the planet, we find it’s best not to talk about the Earth as being “round,” at least until this fall’s election wraps up. There are flat-Earthers everywhere, lurking where you least expect. So, avoid saying things like “I took a trip around the world” that could betray your allegiances to the Green Party.
2: Poverty: Be careful while describing poverty as something you’ve witnessed or experienced. It’s very possible that homeless people and those living on social assistance in our country are all actors hired by the Conservatives to illustrate that the Liberals are doing a terrible job at growing the economy.
3: Science: Of course you think science is a real thing, you Green Party-loving hippie!
4: Mental health: A crisis in Canadian society currently, sure. But there are plenty of people out there who still believe all of your problems could be solved by suppressing your feelings, drinking hard liquor and saying you’re “fine.” The quest for mental health could very well be an NDP plot. Speaking of the NDP…
5: The NDP: We’ve seen lots of pictures — probably doctored, by the way — and we’ve heard the news stories, but has anyone ever really glimpsed a member of the NDP in person? No, so it’s best not to come off as totally batshit crazy by talking about the orange party or mentioning Jagmeet Singh. Not everyone believes he’s real.
6: Moon landing: Maybe it happened for real and maybe it happened in a Hollywood studio, but who knows for sure? What we do know is that if you’re publicly saying that men went to the actual moon, what you’re really saying is “I’m voting Liberal!” It’s so obvious that we don’t even need to explain why that’s part of their agenda.
7: Rainbows: Posting pictures of the beautiful drawing of a rainbow your child made at day camp this week? Of course you’re a Justin Trudeau mega-fan! You might as well be walking in the parade and wearing the flag. Our advice? Don’t even look at rainbows if you want to keep who you’re voting for a secret. Probably best to just stay inside when there’s a chance of rain.
8: New Brunswick: The Picture Province is picturesque for those who live there, but for the rest of Canada it’s as mythical as the Bermuda Triangle — a place where people get swallowed up and disappear forever. Andrew Scheer talks about it a lot as somewhere he can frack the hell out of when he’s elected. You don’t want to seem like you’re on his side.
There are plenty more topics to avoid talking about or defending as “real” or “legitimate,” especially if you work in politics. Just to be completely safe, we think it’s probably better if you don’t take an official stance on anything at all until at least 2020.