Miramichi — A local man who has had enough of the cold temperatures used a lot of spray to start his day.
“I literally can’t anymore!” moaned 56-year-old Martin Parbree. “Eff the polar vortex, eff the windchill, eff the groundhog — eff this entire effin’ winter!
“I’m not shovelling. I’m not scraping. I’m not salting or sanding. I’m boycotting the rest of this season!”
So, it follows that when Parbree found his car encased in ice, snow and frost again before work this morning, he vowed not to burn a single calorie removing it. After posting a tirade of ill-tempered tweets so toxic it would trouble Trump, he resolved to remedy his resentment.
“I called the boss, said I would be late and hung up. No more long-winded whinges about how I might be late, and then I stress the hell out for the next hour as everyone fights the weather and traffic. I’m done with that!
“I started the car and let it run a good 45 minutes with the heat cranked up all of the way. Meanwhile, I went back inside and watched some Storage Wars and Coronation Street on the PVR and had a second cup of coffee. Totally zen.
“I finally forced myself to go back outside and get into the car. It was as hot as a baked potato — beautiful! The rear had defrosted, but the goddamn windshield was still frozen if you can effin’ believe that!
“So, I just turned on the windshield washer full-blast with one hand, while I gave the windshield the finger with the other! I was like, ‘Take that you goddamned effin’ frozen water mother-effer!'”
While nothing happened for the first three full minutes of windshield spraying and continuous wiper work, the ice soon started to break apart. “I started yahooing at the top of my lungs and used my knee to keep the fluid going, so I could use both hands to flip off the windshield ice– double-barrel!” After five minutes of spraying and braying, Parbree’s car was finally ready to leave for work.
“I probably spent a good $40 when you count the gas, washer fluid and wiper damage, but I don’t effin’ care. I’m done.
“Up yours, winter,” he concluded.