Atlantic Canada — The dramatic changes to Canada’s official food guide have many Canadians thinking about their eating habits, and, it seems, most Maritimers acting like the controversial changes will somehow affect their own dietary choices.
Manatee reporters took to the aisles of several Atlantic Canadian grocery stores to talk to real Maritimers — none of whom had a problem lying directly to our faces about the ramifications of the food guide.
“Ohhh, yeah, I’m totally gonna be stocking up on ‘pulses’…whatever the heck those are,” said Summerside mom Erin Abernathy, with an exaggerated wink. “No more red meat or dairy either — just lentils and chickpeas for this gal!”
“Believe it or not I’ve thrown out all the nice cheeses I bought at Costco on sale after Christmas when I found out that dairy has been mostly cut from the new food guide,” said Gerald Kilburn, one of the more convincing liars we encountered. “I want to eat in a way that’s sustainable not only for my family, but also for the planet.”
Kilburn had obvious blood stains on his shirt, that he stated were “definitely not” from a rare steak he ate moments before the interview.
“Oh, uh, no, that’s actually…tomato…yeah, tomato juice,” he said, slinking away. “You probably didn’t realize this, but tomatoes can prevent cardiac disease…”
Some locals are lying about how their lifestyle has been up until now, saying they didn’t need to make any changes because they already ate a plant-based diet.
“My diet’s always been just vegetables, whole grains, fruits, nuts,” said Lily Arnold of Amherst. “It’s about time Canada came around to my way of eating. We don’t need all this added salt and saturated fat.”
Our reporter could clearly see bags of No Name chips, full-fat dips, bags of 2% milk, a box of Froot Loops, and discounted pork chops crammed in the bottom of Arnold’s cart. She simply denied they were there when we pointed them out, then pushed her haul away.
“I actually really enjoy kale smoothies in the morning, with some ground-up chia seeds for my heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids…is that something?” bullshitted Maureen Byers of Saint John, who seemed to be kidding herself as much as our reporter. “Yeah, that sounds right.
“Anyways, the food guide really inspired me so yesterday I made burgers out of black beans, with lettuce for buns, and then I just had a small glass of almond milk before bed for a little treat.”
Grocery stores have indicated that, if their inventory is to be believed, no changes have taken place at all.
“I heard about the food guide, of course, but we’re selling just as much Cheez Whiz, sugary ‘fruit’ juices, red meat, and coffee cream as ever,” said Fredericton Superstore manager Brad Olson. “And no one’s buying vegetables. I don’t know why everyone’s lying about this.
“Except for me — I’m really making some positive changes,” he fibbed. “Last night I went to the pub but only ordered a tall glass of water instead of booze. And just this morning I made some whole-grain oats with organic berries and just a squirt of honey for flavour.”
Seeing our skeptical look, he cried, “Well you don’t know! I coulda had that!”