Saint John — New Brunswickers who previously had been labelled “crackpots” are rejoicing today as one of their long-held theories — that vaccines are bad for people — was proven to be true here in New Brunswick.
An investigation by our undercover team found that due to the shortage of the measles vaccine in the province, the Department of Health, like every other GNB department, had to ask for help from the Irving family.
“We were more than happy to assist with our home province’s medical needs, which coincides with the launch of our latest business venture: Irving Pharma,” said Irving spokesperson Debra Mercer.
“We have a large supply of vaccines containing glyphosate so that our employees are immune to its harmful effects. This vaccine also works on measles and other diseases,” added Mercer.
When asked about the average Irving employee life expectancy being age 35, Mercer declined to comment further.
The Department of Health did not want the public to be aware of the vaccines from Irving Pharma due to the negative public sentiment about glyphosate, but The Manatee managed to speak to an anonymous source within the department.
“The thing about vaccines causing autism is obviously dumb and fake, but did you know that 100 per cent of people who get vaccinated eventually die?” said the anonymous source.
“I’m confident that the amount of glyphosate in these small syringes is enough to kill an entire lawn’s worth of dandelions. So you sure as hell should not be letting them stick your kids with one,” added our source.
Some of the aforementioned crackpots are bragging about their theory being proven true.
“Yup, I knew vaccines are bad for you, that’s why I don’t let my kids get them. They’re also never getting cancer-causing cellphones,” said a proud Jim Gibson of Quispamsis.
“As for Irving and Big Pharma being in cahoots with the government? Us enlightened folk knew it all along. By the way, have you ever noticed that Higgs stopped aging the moment he became premier? They’re taking young Conservatives and using their blood to keep him young. I can hook you up with a blood boy of your own, if you want.”
In keeping with other monopolistic Irving ventures, Irving Pharma also has plans to purchase all the EpiPens in the province and jack up the price.
“Allergies are the next big thing. You know the EpiPen shortage? Yup, we did that.”