Miramichi begs residents to consume all drugs immediately to rid city of them

Miramichi begs residents to consume all drugs immediately to rid city of them

Miramichi — Drugs are apparently filling the streets of Miramichi and city leaders are calling for residents to step up and put an end to the crisis by consuming everything they currently have — and then not buying any more.

“It’s the purge of all purges,” said Gretchen McNeil, who sits on City Council. “We need to get rid of this stuff and start fresh! So I figure we approach it like I approach my diets every few months — with a purge.”

McNeil explained that it’s always best to start fresh on on Monday, so she’s imploring all city residents to consume whatever drugs they have by the end of this weekend.

“It’s pretty simple, really,” she went on. “Hole yourself up in your bedroom or what have you, go to town and have the best time of your life snorting your marijuana or shooting up your coke. Get it all out of your system and out of your house. Then, you’re good to start fresh and clean on a brand-new week.”

The Manatee spoke with local authorities on whether they are on board with Council’s plan of attack.

“I don’t know that it’s an effective method, but I do know it’s a popular one,” admitted Const. Darlene Woodcock of the police force. “I see my hubby do the same thing all the time. He’ll eat all the treats and chips in the house and then vow never to eat junk food again. Sure enough, though, he’s back at it within a couple of weeks every time.”

Our reporter discovered that both drug dealers and users are on board with this last-ditch effort.

“I totally think everyone should consume all of the drugs they have this weekend!” exclaimed an unnamed dealer who was surprisingly enthusiastic. “And hey, if it doesn’t work out for them, no big deal — I’ll be happy to help them try again next weekend.”

Anthony Basset, another Miramichi resident, had already been planning on consuming all his drugs this weekend.

“So what is this plan, again? What’s different about it?” he asked. “…What are we talking about?”

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