Moncton man takes long overdue one-night vacation to Fredericton

New Brunswick — Finally relaxing for the first time in years, Moncton man Ryan Baker took advantage of one of his three unpaid vacation days Sunday evening to throw down his hair and let loose in the tropical party town of Fredericton.

Travelling in the lap of luxury — via Maritime Bus — Baker was given the opportunity to pamper himself with beef jerky, soda and whatever flavour of chips his heart so desired at a gas station in Minto.

Upon arriving in Fredericton, Baker waited a mere 78 minutes for a city bus to arrive, which whisked him 38 blocks away to Knights Inn, a ritzy Lincoln-area motel that offers a free continental breakfast.

“I’m going to paint this town red,” said Baker, slathering on a fresh coat of Brut aftershave while a re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond emanated from a 38-year-old TV set standing above a green, mildewy shag carpet. “Tonight’s my night!”

Baker then shelled out $65 for a cab ride to Beaverbrook Art Gallery and marvelled at the artwork he could see from the lobby before being told he would have to pay $12 for admission.

“Outrageous,” said Baker a few minutes later as he was pumping $20 bills into a VLT at Dooly’s. “Who would pay for that crap?”

Baker, whose grand hope was to be partying at the iRock, was not aware that the establishment had gone out of business — and that even if it was still in operation it would not be opened on a Sunday. Baker was detained by police shortly thereafter for public intoxication following an incident at Klub Khrome where he repeatedly screamed “What’s wrong with me!!”

Luckily, Baker made it out of the drunk tank by 8 a.m., giving him just enough time to make the 78-block trek in the frigid cold back to his motel before checkout.

“I really lived it up,” said Baker, home again at his apartment on St. George Street with the faint sound of prostitutes screaming at each other from his window that won’t fully shut. “It was a great getaway.”