Moncton mandates shoppers can only buy what they are able to carry in two hands

Moncton mandates shoppers can only buy what they are able to carry in two hands

Moncton — After widespread support of their plastic bag ban presented on Monday, city councillors revealed today that they will be extending the ban to include all grocery bags — even those that are reusable.

The decision was made this morning as the conversation continued on how to better serve the environment on a municipal level.

“Why would we need to use reusable bags made from dead vegetable fibres when we’ve got two perfectly good bags right here?” posed Coun. Pierre Boudreau.

Councillors Susan Edgett and Paulette Thériault eyed him bitterly.

“No…My hands,” Boudreau continued. “I meant my hands.”

The new proposed policy would mandate that no “carrying receptacles” be used when purchasing groceries, and that customers will only be able to buy what they can carry in both hands.

Some young people, who would typically be in support of this kind of environmental action, have taken to social media this morning to criticize the move, claiming it’s discriminatory towards sea pirates and Jedis.

Many are saying that this meme is a joke, but these days — with untempered liberalism being what it is — who can tell, ammiright? (For more on this subject, check out my YouTube channel.)

The proposal has received some pushback from other groups in the community as well. Families, for instance, say that it is difficult to buy the groceries they need with such tight restrictions.

“All I’m able to grab at one time is this box of Cap’n Crunch cereal and a can of tomato paste,” said Riverview father Avery Thomas. “I can’t feed a family of seven on that! Damn these small hands!”

It does, however, have a notable benefit for one group within the city.

“When I told my parents I was going to clown college, my mom flipped,” said local juggler Steven Derger, otherwise known by his stage-name, Burpo. “But now, I’m eminently more employable than any jerk out there with with a teaching degree from Crandall. Take that, Mom!”

“Take what, honey?” asked his mother from the top of the basement stairs.

“Nothing, Ma,” he yelled up to her. “Shut up, I’m doing an interview.”

Derger, who claims to be able to juggle a maximum of eight items, is available to work at any time for a nominal delivery fee of $25.

The “no-bag” policy is expected to be officially enacted by the end of summer.

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