Fredericton — More local restaurants are trying to pass off garnishes as appetizers and appetizers as meals — for insanely steep prices — even though, deep down, we all just want a massive plate of nachos.
“Ah, yes, bullshit foods. We invented that in Fredericton,” said local chef Jamie Wilkes. “You just put garnishes on the menu as ‘bites’ and people will pay $14 plus a 30 percent tip. We don’t even include meat or cheese or anything good, and customers won’t say anything because they want to seem sophisticated.
“To be blunt, people accept it because they don’t want to appear like the classless swine that they are,” Wilkes went on. “We know they’re going to go home and throw some pre-grated Kraft cheese on some Tostitos, microwave it all and wash it down with some Alpine, but we figure we can suck away most of their money while they’re trying to impress a date or come off as cultured or whatever.”
St. Thomas University sociologist Janice Alderman told The Manatee that the rise of bullshit foods in the capital city can be traced back to the hipster invasion that occurred around 2008.
“Now, with restaurants, or ‘gastropubs’ as they demand to be called half the time,” she said, rolling her eyes, “you get a casual pub atmosphere, but with fine-dining prices and portions. Just the other day I was out with my husband and we somehow spent $100 on three pickles, some ‘cabbage slaw’ and a piece of cornbread so small I thought it was a goddamn crouton.
“Sadly, this is what our society has allowed dining out to become. And of course I’d have killed for some nachos.”
Frederictonians are finally starting to wise up to the bullshit food conspiracy perpetuated by hipster restaurants.
“Everything on menus these days is like ‘two olives on a bed of arugula’ or ‘braised leeks with balsamic reduction drizzle.’ I just want a friggin’ huge plate of nachos, and I have a hunch that’s what everyone else wants too,” griped northsider Richie Morgan, as he picked at the single slice of cold beet that he ordered to pair with his dill-dusted popcorn.
“This so-called ‘meal’ costs $44 and as soon as I’m done I’m going to have to swing by Domino’s, because I’m starving to death. Or maybe I’ll just make some nachos…yeah, that’s what I’ll do.”
Another patron of the same restaurant, Bob Wilson, was in the middle of ordering. “I guess I’ll have the ‘parsley sprigs to share,'” he uttered, already fantasizing about the nachos he was going to make as soon as he got home.
“How big is that? Enough for a meal?” The waitress advised he complement his parsley with their featured “tomato tartare,” which was literally just a spoonful of salsa.