American: More of us would move to Canada if it wasn’t for ‘all of them commies’

American: More of us would move to Canada if it wasn’t for ‘all of them commies’

U.S. Border — Despite the turmoil and outrage in the United States, crossing the river from Calais to St. Stephen is still a bridge too far for most Americans.

Since U.S. president Donald Trump’s summit with Russian president Vladimir Putin on Monday, there has been a noticeable spike in Americans searching for a new place to live for a while. And, while many have warm feelings towards their northern neighbour, the thought of living there stops them cold.

“Canada is a fine country and everything, I’m just not sure I’d fit in there with all of them yoga-loving pinkos,” said 52-year-old patriot Joe Eagles. “Like, I mean how many handgun stores are there? Can you get them at Walmart or just at liquor stores?

“Do they all speak American? These things are important to me.”

Dissatisfaction with the Trump administration reached an all-time high yesterday since the president’s meeting in Helsinki, where he dismissed U.S. intelligence agency reports and refused to condemn Russian election interference. And even though domestic politics have taken a hard-right turn as well, Eagles says Americans are veering away from a cross-border move.

“I mean, sure — they’re obese like us. And I’m all-in on gravy, cheese and french fries! But, moose burgers with maple syrup just sounds gross to me. Isn’t that what they eat up there? Maybe not, but it feels right. I heard they love to eat beaver-tails too which just sounds disgusting.”

Finally, Eagles also is deeply skeptical of Canadian health care. “I read on Facebook that just anybody can walk right into a hospital and see a doctor,” he laughed. “Who do they think they’re fooling with that story? Puh-lease, I wasn’t born yesterday.

“‘Free’ health care? I say ‘Fake news.'”

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