Mueller report finds Trump colluded with Moncton

Mueller report finds Trump colluded with Moncton

Moncton — Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russia’s interference in the 2016 election finally came to an end over the weekend. The special investigator submitted his findings to Attorney General Bill Barr on Saturday, which determined that the president did not collude with Russia.

As more details from the report were made public on Tuesday, however, it was revealed that Trump’s team did, in fact, take a few illicit meetings with politicians in Moncton, New Brunswick, including Mayor Dawn Arnold.

When confronted by the press, Arnold was quick to admit her connection with the president.

“I had just been elected mayor,” she said, holding up a signed copy of The Art of the Deal. “It was a big win for me, and I owe it all to this little book.”

Arnold, who was a “huge” fan of The Apprentice throughout its original 14-season run, said she adopted many of the principles the show taught into her political career.

“It’s tough to make it in politics as a woman,” she said. “And if there’s one thing that you can say about Donald Trump, is he puts women first…and second, and third. If a beauty pageant judge doesn’t know women, then who does?”

Hearing of the mayor’s support, Trump made a covert trip to the city back in May of 2016 to talk about potential political partnerships.

“It was all very hush-hush,” Arnold admitted. “We had a quick meeting down at the Pump House where he offered to ‘scratch my back’ if I was to ‘scratch’ his. At first I thought he meant sex, but it turned out it was actually about the presidential election. Either way, I was down.”

And so, on Trump’s instruction, Arnold made an effort to convince her 82-year-old aunt Gloria in Wisconsin to cast her vote for Trump come November of that year.

“She was sort of on the fence, but I’m fairly confident it was due to my persuasion that she ultimately voted for Donald,” Arnold said.

“So, yes, I colluded,” she told the press before her. “If that’s a crime…then fuck you.”

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