N.B. launches new rapid COVID testing — grandmothers feeling foreheads

N.B. launches new rapid COVID testing — grandmothers feeling foreheads

Fredericton — Today, the Higgs government unveiled its new rapid test testing strategy for COVID-19, and this new plan just might come with a kiss on the forehead.

In response to the ongoing criticism for not using its stockpile of almost 400,000 rapid tests, the New Brunswick government said today that it is deputizing an army of 70+ year-old grandmothers and great-grandmothers throughout the province.

This team of fully vaccinated Grammies will be engaged in situ in their own cities, towns and villages to complete rapid assessments of the health of those who are “feeling poorly.”

“And, it’s not just Grammies,” explained Higgs. “We’re also engaging Grannies, Nannies, Nanas, Omas, Mémés, Nonnas, Bibis, Yayas, Grand-mères, Mamies and even Mémères!

“New Brunswick has no shortage of senior citizens with zero filter who are willing to offer their own specialized assessment of whether someone is sick and what they should do about it. Now that we have these people fully vaccinated, it’s time to start weaponizing them in the battle against COVID-19.”

The Manatee spent the day on-site at an assessment clinic in Salisbury with 89-year-old great-grandmother Helen Rhume. The vaxxed-out Grammie had her first appointment at 6:30 a.m., saying she likes to start early because she’s been “up for hours.”

“Oh! You’re HOT!” exclaimed Rhume, touching her first patient’s forehead. “You’re BURNING UP!”

“Are you sure? I feel…”

“Yes, yes, you’ve got the COVID. You need to rest. Do you go to church? You might die you know. You’d better repent because it’s a lot hotter in Hell.

“Have you been eating? You look like you could use a good meal. No one ever got sick eating my food, I’ll tell you that. Have your bowels moved today? Oh don’t be embarrassed, I don’t care sweetie, it’s all part of life you know. NEXT!

“Oh deary, sit down. Hmmm…you don’t feel hot,” she said, rotating her hand to feel with both the palm and the back of her hand. “Nah, you’re fine. Get out of here and go to work. Don’t be a baby.”

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