New Brunswick — As the election that no voter wanted comes to a close, New Brunswick politicians are finally spilling the tea about the secrets they have been concealing throughout the entire campaign.
Last week at the CTV candidate roundtable, Liberal Leader Kevin Vickers accused Premier Blaine Higgs of having “more secrets than North Korea!”
Now, after a series of wide-ranging last-minute interviews with Manatee senior reporter Hugh Manatee, we reveal the top 10 post-election secrets of well-known politicians.
- Kevin Vickers plans to expand the Miramichi River until it wipes out Chatham and finally crowns Newcastle as the winner of the age-old rivalry.
- Kris Austin will vigorously pursue his #Pizzagate conspiracy theory by trying to reveal the secret language police operating out of the Greco Pizza restaurants.
- Watch out because Dominic Cardy will vaccinate you right in the face if you disagree with him.
- Ted Flemming will slash Blaine Higgs’s tires after the premier hung him out to dry on emergency room closings.
- Blaine Higgs will cut civil service expense accounts and instead provide them with baloney sandwiches with extra mayo that he made himself.
- Kris Austin finally cracks under the sexual tension and declares that he’s been secretly in love with the Official Languages Commissioner for the past three years.
- Mackenzie Thomason will rip off his latex mask to reveal that he’s been Jennifer McKenzie this entire time…and they would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
- Finance Minister Ernie Steeves is shown to be an animatronic robot controlled by Blaine Higgs, and can sing “It’s a Small World” in perfect pitch.
- David Coon will mandate that every New Brunswicker have a vegetable garden fertilized from your very own composting toilet.
- Mackenzie Thomason: Two words — mandatory bowties.