New Brunswick — The provincial power commission has announced a groundbreaking new plan: to start thinking of ways to keep the power on, instead of off, even if it’s windy or storming.
“After the last few windy days knocked out power for thousands of customers, we suddenly thought, ‘Hey, what if we tried to come up with a few methods to keep power on, even if it’s breezy or rainy?’ — and we’ve been taking it from there,” said NB Power communications officer Marc Beliveau.
Calling it “the last step in their master plan,” Beliveau insists NB Power was going to get to that whole supplying-power thing before too long.
“But then everyone kept nagging us about it and we were like, ‘Geez, hold your horsepower!'” he said with exasperation.
We asked Beliveau what specific measures the power commission will taking to ensure outages become less common and less prolonged, but he ignored our questions.
“We for sure, definitely have the billing thing down pat, and we’ve nailed sending out those passive-aggressive energy-consumption shaming letters, so now the time has finally come to begin looking at supplying power to the people we gouge. I mean serve. Yeah.”
One of those customers, Lily Delong of Riverview, said her power was out most of the weekend, and on Monday evening it conked out for almost two hours.
“It seems if the weather man says it might rain, NB Power turns the power off in advance,” she seethed. “Most of the winter I had to cook over the fireplace and go to the bathroom in the outhouse my husband set up in the yard. He made it out of ice blocks and boards — my butt still has freezerburn and splinters! But did my power bill go down? Heck no — it doubled from the year before!”
One Beersville family has been without electricity for weeks after their meter broke. NB Power claimed they brought their equipment up to code, but still told the family it could be up to 20 days before their lights would be turned back on.
“This has been a nightmare,” said one family member. “Our food has spoiled, we can’t shower or watch TV, and after all this we’re still paying. Why should we have to wait? It’s senseless!”
NB Power, meanwhile, has said that its customers will eventually be pleasantly surprised to learn that they are indeed starting to think about taking their concerns into consideration.
“Oh my god, will you people relax?!” exclaimed Beliveau. “I’ve gone without power for that long and I was fine. I mean yeah, I was camping, but still. Just think of it like a vacation from technology — a time to unwind! And like I said, we’re going to have more meetings and think of ways we can keep your power on, if it’s so damned important to you. Until then, remember that patience is a virtue.”