New Brunswick celebrates upgrade from ‘have-not’ province to ‘will-not’ province

New Brunswick celebrates upgrade from ‘have-not’ province to ‘will-not’ province

New Brunswick — It’s official: New Brunswick is upgrading its status as a “have-not” province to a “will-not” province. According to Joel Richardson, vice-president of the Canadian Manufacturers and Exporters Association, the people of New Brunswick simply “don’t want to do stuff.”

Premier Brian Gallant was going to hold a press conference to make the big announcement, but didn’t, saying that, “no one would have shown up anyway.”

Richardson was particularly critical of Gallant for his decision to put a moratorium on job creation. “Initially, a letter from the premier said it was due to environmental concerns, but then I got to actually talk to the guy, and it became clear to me that he just didn’t want to put the work into it.”

Statistics Canada reports that New Brunswick’s jobless rate fell to 8.8 percent in September, after sitting at well over 10 percent for the last forever or so. The organization admits that there is a 3 percent margin of error.

“Honestly, I’m floored,” said Gallant. “I made some promises during the last election campaign. All sorts of promises. In hindsight, I might even describe them as ‘cray-cray’ promises. Y’know, things I had no intention of doing; but whatever, water under the crumbling bridge, right? I finally got one thing right. It’s official — we’re no longer a ‘have-not’ province, but we’re a proud ‘will-not’ province!”

In 2013, it looked as though the previous Conservative government would allow job growth. Cynics speculated that it was an empty promise to win the 2014 election, while optimists (i.e. keeners who should move elsewhere) hoped that there was hope. Fortunately, then-premier David Alward said “Nah, sounds like a lot of work,” and left it at that. Since then, talk of job creation has all but dried up, like the ever-eroding, limited dreams of New Brunswickers for the prospects of saving our: schools, courthouses, nursing homes, sawmills, recycling depots, potash mines, seasonal industries and tourism.

“It’s like they just gave up,” said Richardson. “No one wants do to anything. And in a way, I guess I can’t blame them. I mean, if you’ve lived here your whole life, it’s like, well, what’s the point? Right?”

There is no word yet on whether Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau considers this “will-not” revelation “real change,” or something that the rest of Canada already knew and didn’t have the heart to tell us.

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