New Brunswick man fails 2016 census

Minto — Canadians rejoiced earlier this week when each and every one of them received their census form in the mail, and with it an access code to the interesting and easy test of personal knowledge required by law. Citizens far and wide logged onto census.gc.ca to complete the questionnaire that’s used to plan services such as schools and public transportation.

For one New Brunswick citizen, however, the test proved to be anything but easy.

“There was a ‘secure access code’ at the top, which made it seem like it might be kinda cool and top-secret,” said Minto man Dave MacDonald. “But there were so many questions! Some were multiple choice and some short answer, and there were math questions and geography questions — how am I supposed to know the address where I lived 3 years ago or how much I paid for rent in 2015? I don’t even own a calculator.”

MacDonald said the questions that really tripped him up were those surrounding employment. “It asked me if I was working so I said no, but then it asked if I was ‘able’ to work. What, are they tryin’ to rat on me to Service Canada and cut off my E.I.? I didn’t know what to do so I just moved on to the next question, but they only got harder and harder.”

MacDonald eventually got so many questions wrong that the website crashed and Wayne R. Smith, Chief Statistician of Canada, was forced to personally email MacDonald to let him know he had somehow managed to fail the test.

“Until now I hadn’t realized it was possible to fail the thing,” lamented Smith. “I mean it’s a test, yeah, but you should know all the answers to it. I felt so bad for poor Dave that I wrote a tactful note to him letting him know that it’s no big deal, and he can take the test again next year.”

“I felt some bad letting Wayne and all of Canada down like that,” said MacDonald, sadly taking a swig of Alpine. “I’ll study harder for it next time.”