Fredericton — In partnership with Rogers TV and The Daily Gleaner, the Fredericton Chamber of Commerce is inviting the public to attend a lethal fight Tuesday evening between mayoral candidates Brad Woodside and Mike O’Brien. The fight will be televised on Rogers TV, and there will be an opportunity for the audience to get involved by throwing spears, swords, daggers and grenades at the candidate of their choosing.
The Manatee caught up with Woodside, Fredericton’s long-serving current mayor, at his home this morning as he was standing in front of a mirror drawing a 6-pack on his belly with a makeup contouring kit. “This is going to be the showdown of the century!” he bellowed. “I’ve been preparing for this my entire life — bring it on, O’Brien!”
When questioned about his plan of attack, Woodside was secretive.
“Let’s just say, you don’t get to be mayor of the capital of New Brunswick for as long as I have without learning a few tricks. Mike is in for a world of pain. No one gets in Bad Brad’s way. No one!”
The Manatee also attempted to approach O’Brien at his campaign office on Queen Street, where the candidate was in the middle of his pre-battle ritual of sacrificing a lamb to Ares, the god of war.
“Mr. O’Brien can’t be disturbed right now — his consciousness is speaking with the mighty gods of battle,” interjected O’Brien’s trainer and life coach, a burly, greased-up giant of a man. “You can interview him tonight over Woodside’s cold, lifeless body.”
Fredericton is positively abuzz with anticipation of tonight’s gruesome events.
“O’Brien is bigger, sure, but Woodside is wily, and there’s just something sinister about him,” mused northside resident Brenda Ferguson. “It could go either way. I’m hoping for O’Brien, though — this city needs some fresh blood.”
Hanwell man Dave Greer is even taking bets among his co-workers at Accenture. “There’s a strict no-gambling policy at this call centre, but it’s been revoked today only. Even my boss put down the deed to her house and $500 cash. We’re going all in.
“Woodside’s got that intimidation factor,” continued Greer. “I think it’s to do with his eyebrows, or something — but then again, O’Brien seems to have a boundless reserve of energy. The thing is, any and all weapons are permitted, so who knows what black-market arms these two have managed to get their hands on?”
The brawl to determine Fredericton’s fate will take place in the Black Box Theatre in Sir James Dunn Hall at St. Thomas University. The fight will be broadcast live at 7 p.m.; it’s sure to be a packed house, so attendees are asked to arrive no later than 6:15 to begin jeering and heckling the candidates.