Saint John YMCA, SPCA to swap business models

Saint John — It was recently discovered that the YMCA and SPCA of Saint John are planning to trade business models.

When going through some files, James DeWitt, a tax auditor, came across a receipt for a shipment of equipment from 1992. The receipt showed various purchases clearly intended for the care-taking of animals. The items included small treadmills, dog mats and more chew toys than Julia Roberts’ chompers could handle.

SPCA2DeWitt was shocked by the find, yet even more surprised that nobody has made the connection until now. “It all makes sense. The SPCA is constantly fundraising and, sadly, still seems under-equipped. The YMCA had to have received the utilities meant for the SPCA,” DeWitt stated. “I mean, the treadmills are barely wide enough for human feet, and there are Petco logos on the yoga mats.”

The Manatee asked Uptown resident and parent Krystal Edison what she thought of the news. “One time I took my daughter, Brooke-lynn, down to the Y for daycare. I seen a group of kids going out for a walk. They were all, like, tied to each other and the daycare worker looked right frustrated,” Edison explained with enlightenment. “But on the plus side, my daughter loves the squeaky toys they got,” she added.

We also caught up with a witness of that particular “kids on leashes” fiasco — a scandal on its own. The man is former YMCA employee John Doe. The Manatee asked why he would give a fake name and wish to remain anonymous; however, he proved his identity to actually be John Doe. How neat is that?

Doe had this to say: “I didn’t want to do it — the kids hate those things. They just ran circles around me until my legs were hog-tied and I was knocked off my feet. It was like something from a Home Alone movie,” he described hesitantly. “What ever happened to MacAulay Culkin, anyways?” he digressed.

Representatives from both the YMCA and SPCA came up with the most cost-efficient solution to the dilemma. They were to simply keep the equipment and just trade business models. The YMCA will soon serve as a pet-care centre. The former daycare section will be the standard pet lounge, while the workout area will be kept as a “mirror room” where narcissistic cats can stretch. All the children who were enrolled in the Y’s programs will be transferred to the SPCA. The SPCA will continue their efforts as an adoption agency — now, of the human variety.


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