Report: 99% of all crime in New Brunswick happens close to trees

New Brunswick — On Monday CBC reported that certain residents of the city of Brentwood, Alta. were angry that city planners were planting more tress in a local park, stating that they think more trees will mean more opportunities for people to hide and commit crimes.

Backlash to this story swept across New Brunswick as the article was shared on social media tens of thousands of times nation-wide; New Brunswickers’ reactions were completely one-sided against the residents protesting the trees being planted.

“These guys are morons!” proclaimed Saint John resident Ashley Harris. “Trees don’t commit crimes — Saint Johners do.”

Petitcodiac lifer Ruth-Anne Thomas had even more disparaging words for the tree-haters. “These people are dumber than my husband’s dumb brother!” she shouted. “And my husband’s brother thinks that the Liberals are doing a good job in New Brunswick — that’s how dumb by husband’s dumb brother is.”

Despite the overwhelmingly negative response, The Manatee found that these claims of higher crime rates close to trees are in fact substantiated. Upon investigation, we were able to confirm that 97 percent of all crime in Canada happens within 10 kilometres of a tree. The other 3 percent is said to happen off-shore or in the remote depths of Canada’s Great Lakes. These numbers only increase in Canada’s Picture Province as our reporter discovered that over 99 percent of all heinous crimes in New Brunswick happen in areas with trees close by.

After sharing these statistics with RCMP officers in Miramichi, officers quickly sent out alerts all over the province, imploring residents to stay away from trees at all costs.

“These numbers are scary and we need to keep the public safe,” said a visibly worried Const. Raymond Griffith. “It is totally possible that the trees are causing people to become criminals and do things they otherwise wouldn’t do.”

Merely an hour after the RCMP issued its province-wide warning, the streets of Fredericton were mostly barren, with only a few brave souls willing to lurk outside while maintaining a safe distance from any surrounding shrubbery.

When approached by our reporter and asked if he would be trying to beat the sunshine by relaxing underneath one of the city’s stately elms, Andy Critchlow refused.

“I’m not going around those trees,” he said. “They look pretty shady.”