Report: Gordie Howe’s soul briefly worried it was going to Hell as it passed over New Brunswick

Report: Gordie Howe’s soul briefly worried it was going to Hell as it passed over New Brunswick

Nackawic — Earlier this month, the hockey world mourned the loss of one of its greats when Gordon “Gordie” Howe died at the age of 88. Howe, known to the world as “Mr. Hockey,” was one of the most acclaimed professional players in the history of the sport.

As his spirit left his body, it rose above the clouds to a vantage point above his hometown of Floral, Sask., before being pulled by some otherworldly force across the breadth of the nation of Canada and ultimately transcending this earthly plane to attain Paradise. However, the journey across Canada wasn’t all pleasant sightseeing, as Howe’s ghost briefly feared that passing over the province of New Brunswick was a sign that the Inferno was beckoning him.

“Where most of us will simply have our ho-hum lives pass before our eyes in a fleeting instant, Howe was afforded a rather unique opportunity,” said Colin Fitzroy-Masterson, Nackawic resident and special paranormal affairs consultant to The Manatee.

“As a reward for winning the Stanley Cup for the [Detroit] Red Wings 4 times, he was permitted to pass over the nation that gave him life and allowed him to discover his true calling. This was a chance to take in the immense scale of what his life meant and what he accomplished, by uniting a country behind his athletic prowess for an unprecedented 5 decades. I’m certain most of the journey was an extraordinarily sublime experience that none of us will share in this life or the next.”

However, according to Fitzroy-Masterson, there was an instant of sheer terror for the hockey legend that nearly outstripped the resplendent glory in which he basked. “As Howe passed over New Brunswick, he was afforded a few moments to take in, in a nearly omniscient glimpse, the foul Stygian clouds of pollution enshrouding Saint John, the machinery of death stockpiled at CFB Gagetown, and the overall sense of economic despair felt by the populace.

“Beyond just being a punishment,” Fitzroy-Masterson elaborated, “Hell is full of disordered, self-interested souls and therefore, by definition, a place where no functioning human community can take place. Howe’s shade took one look at the profound inability of our anglophone and francophone citizens to easily communicate with one another, which in turn leads to our constant political squabbles about language rights and said to himself, ‘What did I do to deserve this for eternity?'”

Mercifully, an instant later, Howe was beckoned farther skyward, entering the empyrean sphere of Heaven where the souls of the Most Blessed reside until the final day of judgment.

Minister of Transportation Bill Fraser restated the province’s commitment to setting up a direct ferry service from Campbellton to the River Styx and all points of post-life habitation thereafter. “This government is already fighting against New Brunswick’s reputation as the ‘drive-through province,'” Fraser emphasized. “We don’t want to become known as the ‘die-through province’ as well.”

Charon the Ferryman was not available for immediate comment.

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