Fredericton — Reports are streaming in just a day before the big event that one of your friends is still holding out hope for an amazing New Year’s Eve bash, complete with a kiss at midnight followed by a rousing rendition of “Auld Lang Syne.”
Thirty-five-year-old Andrew Martin is expecting to have fun at a major party on Dec. 31, despite all evidence that this is not the year to push for what has long been a pointless tradition.
“I keep texting my friends and trying to drum up some interest, but they’re all being so boring these days!” he told The Manatee. “If 2020 and 2021 sucked so much, why wouldn’t they want to ring in a new year, that might be better? I know there’s a pandemic or whatever but I still want to have some fun. I’m too young to sit on the couch watching TV when I could be living it up.”
Martin’s friends confirmed he’s been hinting about his NYE hopes for weeks.
“It’s so forced. Even before COVID — everyone’s broke after Christmas, feeling bloated and depressed, it’s cold as hell outside and there’s never a party worth attending,” said Deirdre Hines, Martin’s longtime friend. “Andrew messaged me one of those little party horn emojis and said ‘Whaddup Friday night??’ I ignored him but I have a feeling he won’t let it drop. It’s like, dude, you’re not a fresh-faced 20-year-old who’s optimistic about the future. That’s the only time this kind of enthusiasm could almost make sense.”
“We’re worse off than ever in this pandemic, and we have to stick with a ‘steady 10,'” said Garrett Harris, who partied with Martin before COVID but hasn’t seen him since. “I asked him, who do you think you’re going to meet? What are you possibly going to do? What even is ‘out’ anymore? He thought I was asking rhetorical questions, and started Googling ‘Best places to party in Fredericton on NYE’ and sending me screenshots of places we should go. I’m not even in his steady 10!
“And we’re 35 now!” added an exasperated Harris. “Do you really think I want to spend the weekend before I go back to work hungover?”
“I never liked New Year’s Eve,” said Alice Peterson, who had to mute her group chat because Martin would not shut up about Friday night, sending GIFs of cats in party hats and the ball dropping in New York City. “It’s cold out, you can never get a cab, the whole thing reminds you that you’re getting older…and what’s he gonna do, kiss some stranger in a mask? The guy is delusional. I’m spending Friday night like everyone else — eating takeout and watching the new Queer Eye.”
Martin, not to be deterred, said that although parties are cancelled and his steady 10 is comprised of the lamest relatives he saw every day throughout Christmas, he still actually believes he can have an unforgettable time.
“Hm, maybe I could go out to eat? With my aunt? Though she’s immuno-compromised…I guess I could see if my brother wants to go drinking after he puts his kids to bed. Yeah, that’ll be a blast. Whoop-whoop! Welcome 2022!”
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