Fredericton — During the latest GNB update on COVID-19, it was announced that Premier Blaine Higgs has contracted the virus, and, completely coincidentally, is scaling back all regulations across the province.
“Unfortunately, with the new variants spreading quickly, and with working as hard as I do, it was inevitable that I was going to be exposed at some point,” Higgs professed. “The only thing to do now is to continue to move forward — that is why we are announcing new amendments to our regulations as we face the new year.”
Higgs began the conference by announcing new guidelines for those who are already infected, such as himself. Now, the province recommends that those people isolate for at least six hours.
“But if you’ve got shit to do, we understand,” he said with a small shrug. “Can’t stay cooped up forever.”
He added that, due to a shortage of rapid tests, people should use them if, and only if, they already have a confirmed case of COVID.
“If you’re vaccinated, don’t even worry about it,” he said, sniffling loudly. “You can go ahead and give somebody who has it a handshake, a hug, or even a little kiss, if you’d like.
“Unless, you know, you’re ugly or something,” he added. “In that case, six feet.”
Ending the conference, the premier said that, thanks to being vaccinated, his symptoms have been relatively minor, and that people should not be all that concerned about getting it.
“In all honesty, having gotten it, I don’t see what the big deal is,” he said, before pausing a moment to consider. “Well, except for all the dead people, I guess.”