New Brunswick — After decades of complaints from New Brunswickers all across the world, the Picture Province, in partnership with the federal government, will be choosing a new capital city in April 2015.
In an uncharacteristically progressive move, the government has decided to do away with history and tradition in order to better fit the popular opinion of its population.
“The Big Three” cities, as they are affectionately called, each have their own reasons for qualifying as a capital city. Moncton “is the biggest and is truly bilingual,” Saint John “is a bustling port city that also really needs the boost,” and Fredericton “is in the middle and has always been the capital, so why mess with tradition?” said each city’s mayor in their respective press conferences.
The initiative will utilise online voting, Dragon’s Den-style pitches by the mayors, and will take into account advice from university professors of various academic departments and beard length. The deciding committee will be made up of unbiased neighbours from Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island and Quebec.
People as young as age 14 will be allowed to vote in the online polls to ensure a better turnout and a more diverse representation in the results.
Although almost everyone other than Fredericton residents are happy about the chance for potential change, many New Brunswick residents say that they still feel left out in the cold.
“Why is everything always all about the Big Three?” snapped Linda Ferryview of Cambridge-Narrows. “They could have opened it up to more communities; it could have really helped some of us. And you know what? All of those cities have tons of pollution and big egos. This will just make it worse.”
Indeed, political scientists are worried that whichever city wins will go mad with power and fame, over-using already mind-numbingly annoying terms such as “startup community” “knowledge-based sector,” “economically driven city” and more of that vein.
Other critics have pointed out the wasted infrastructure if Fredericton is not chosen, and have said that all the publications will be out of date. But Premier Brian Gallant assured The Manatee that this is a golden opportunity for the province, just like his flowing golden mane of hope.
“Whoever wins, wins — they will be victorious for a reason. It can only mean good things for the future of our province,” proclaimed Gallant, while trumpeteers provided fanfare for the possible dawn of a new era.