Saint John — Like most public events this past year, the 68th annual Santa Claus Parade was officially cancelled on Monday due to COVID-related concerns.
Online commenters have questioned the move, stating that there ought not to be any problems, so long as the Atlantic Bubble is being preserved. In response, however, the organizers stated that these people are forgetting one very important guest.
“Mr. Claus, to put it simply, is a potential superspreader,” said Ellie Keen, head of the parade’s organizational committee. “The man attends hundreds of events and visits thousands of malls throughout the holiday season. That’s not to mention the fact that he visits millions of homes across the world on Christmas Eve, including known coronavirus hotspots.”
Keen also pointed to bad habits such as leaving half-eaten cookies and milk wherever he goes as additional reasons why Santa can’t be trusted to properly follow municipal guidelines.
There is also some concerns for the health of Santa himself, given the fact that he his both severely overweight and nearly 2,000 years old, putting him at a high risk for serious illness if infected.
“We want to be known as the city that gave birth to Donald Sutherland, not the city that killed Santa Claus,” asserted Keen.