Fredericton — The Crown corporation Service New Brunswick has admitted its many grave errors in last year’s property tax assessments, and now it’s seeking to regain the trust of homeowners by implementing Auditor-General Kim MacPherson’s pricey but necessary recommendations.
“Kim recommended we crowdfund because, frankly, we’re flat broke. We don’t want to waste any more taxpayer dollars — it’s our mess and we’ll clean it up,” said Service New Brunswick CEO Alan Roy. “But we can’t do it alone, and that’s where your generous donation comes in. Each Indiegogo backer can select ‘perks’ like a cool keychain, a stylish SNB toque, a T-Shirt, or even a private one-on-one dinner with Premier Brian Gallant where he’ll personally apologize for fucking up your assessment!”
Some of the items the SNB team hopes to raise money for include: creating an internal quality assurance unit; separating assessments from tax bills; and hiring back retired property assessors to help with the workload.
“We’re also going to be reimbursing all the suckers who overpaid, and the rest of the money will pay us to run the campaign…it’s actually gruelling, believe it or not!” whined Gallant.
“We have to order all the merch, fill in all the information online about what the money’s for and why people should donate to us, we need to keep track of every single donation, update the campaign progress on social media every day, ship and deliver all the perks,” he went on, listing items on his fingers. “Imagine if we’d put this much effort into doing the assessments right the first time!”
“I’m pretty new to Indiegogo, but it seems like if you build enough hype for the campaign, people will just give you the money for doing nothing,” countered Serge Rousselle, the minister responsible for Service New Brunswick, after filming a crappy iPhone pitch video with Gallant and Roy for their Indiegogo page. “In fact it seems a bit too easy…maybe the auditor-general should be investigating this company. But whatever…”
Rothesay resident Darla Everton said her home was assessed at more than $500,000 — a full hundred grand more than the previous year’s assessment — and she was given no explanation as to why.
“It took months to sort out…it was all I thought about,” she recalled. “Eventually they lowered the assessment, but it was a huge headache. But it looks like if I donate at the $50 level I’ll get a T-shirt!”
Roy confirmed that Everton would be given a choice between a shirt saying, “My house was assessed at $500K and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” or “I survived the property tax assessment scandal of 2017! (Barely).”
Quispamsis local Jane Lawrence plans to donate $100 as soon as the campaign opens tomorrow, because she’s gunning for one of five available apology dinners with Brian Gallant.
“The Liberals scammed me out of thousands. He’d better take me somewhere fancy, is all I can say.”