New Brunswick — When the province rolled out the budget at the beginning of February, the Liberal government revealed that no toll booths would be installed, and as many had feared, HST was raised to 15 percent. But even this hike has not been enough to boost the economy or to chip away at the deficit of the have-not province.
In an emergency press meeting at the legislature this morning, Premier Brian Gallant unveiled the latest plan to raise money and attract tourists to New Brunswick.
“Right now, we have a major image problem. What turns people off is our crass, vulgar nature,” explained Gallant. “It’s what makes us the ‘drive-through’ province. Who would want to stick around and spend money in a place where everyone’s cursing at you and flipping you the bird?”
The press in attendance mumbled their displeasure at the direction the premier seemed to be taking.
“What the fuck is this shit?” asked CBC reporter Michel Thibideau. “Jesus Christ.”
“Oh, goddamnit,” moaned CTV journalist Rebecca VanDine. “Give it a fuckin’ rest, will ya? What the hell?”
When everyone was finished senselessly swearing, the premier continued. “Instead of toll booths charging people to drive on major New Brunswick highways or at the borders, we’re going to have a gigantic ‘swear jar’ located in Fredericton, right in front of city hall. Every time someone is caught cursing or swearing, they’ll be forced to drive all the way to the jar and throw in a toonie. If they don’t, they’ll be arrested and taken to prison until a relative or friend can bail them out.
“It’s going to kill two birds with one stone,” Gallant went on. “We’ll curb our provincial swearing habit and fill the jar with a shit-ton of change, while attracting visitors from classier provinces like Ontario and fuckin’ B.C. or wherever. And as a bonus, this will also give the Fredericton police something productive to do instead of shoplifting and driving drunk.”
Gallant then tossed the inaugural toonie into the swear jar before it is carted to city hall.
Our reporter spoke with a linguistics professor at UNB to find out what makes New Brunswick such a breeding ground for bad language.
“Well, it’s worse now than it’s ever been,” explained Garrett Michaels, linguistics expert. “I blame the current generation of Maritimers who grew up watching Trailer Park Boys and trying to emulate the speech patterns of Ricky, Julian and Bubbles. Even fuckin’ Mr. Lahey and that fatass Mustard Tiger. It’s funny shit, but even I can’t seem to get through a single sentence these days without talking shit about someone or just breaking into a curse-filled rap like my boy J-Roc. Represent.”
Regardless of the cause, if New Brunswickers can’t clean up their act, it’s going to cost them. Unsurprisingly, many we spoke with aren’t happy about it.
“Holy hell — a toonie for every Jesus-lovin’ swear?” asked an incensed Matt Wright of Fredericton. “How the fuck am I supposed to come up with that kind of cash?”
“What genius mother-effer came up with this plan?” queried Saint John man Dave Astle. “I know my bloody rights, and freedom of speech is at the top of my goddamn list. If the pigs pull me over for this shit there’ll be hell to pay.”
Given the mature content of these interviews, The Manatee has been fined and will be adding about $50 fuckin’ bucks to that damned swear jar as soon as it’s set up.