Subway to hire Mount A students as sandwich artists

Sackville – Subway Restaurants has announced a partnership with Mount Allison University aimed at boosting the province’s floundering economy – and its creativity.

Carol Wilson, dean of the university, explained that the restaurants across New Brunswick are planning to hire students first as unpaid interns, and slowly ease them into the reality of repetitive, thankless, minimum-wage work as sandwich artists.

“What Subway is helping us do here is prepare students who’ve mastered the written word and abstract thought about the complexities of human existence, and allow them to explore a different side of their creativity,” she said. “These are students who’ve majored in the humanities, and who now want to experience some of the trials and tribulations of the human condition for themselves.”

Subway chose Mount A for the partnership because it got wind of a small group of students who call themselves “Foglers” after Jared Fogle, a well-known spokesman for Subway. According to Merriam-Webster, a “Fogler” is “one aims to follow Jared Fogle’s lifestyle in appearance and dress, and who is often sexually attracted only to Jared Fogle.” To promote the program, Subway has promised every student who takes part one night of magic with Jared himself.

“When they start their job, the magic ends,” said Wilson. “They’ll be able to put all their creativity into one mindless task for the rest of their lives, and hopefully the economy will benefit a little from it as well.”

The program is open to any students in their last year of a BA who are looking for unpaid experience that could lead to a lifetime of monotonous, soul-crushing artistry.

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