Saint John — At 10 a.m. Friday, tall ships could be seen emerging from the fog at the edge of the Port City, catching the attention of the locals, who stopped to watch the approaching shapes.
Judging by their size, shape and apparent age, it was soon determined that the ships must be pirates. Panic ensued.
“Course, we didn’t see no Jolly Roger,” said senior citizen James Petergrass. “But everyone knows that’s just kids’ stuff. Real pirates don’t draw that much attention to themselves.”
Mayor Don Darling stated that it was his understanding that the pirates were attacking the city because “it looked so great and cool and super rich, especially in the last year or so.”
Some parents say that they aren’t just worried about pirates stealing their silver and gold, but their children as well.
“My son says he actually wants to be a pirate,” said 34-year-old Emily Clowater. “He picked it up from those awful Disney movies.”
Beside her, 10-year-old Brendan pouted in his pirate costume, which his mother said he refuses to take off. “I. Want. To. Go!” he cried.
“I didn’t know kids could learn such horrible things from a movie star like Johnny Depp,” she said, narrowly dodging a phone her son tossed at her head in frustration.
On the West Side, city officials announced that the Carleton Martello Tower had once again become an active defence fort. Troops were shuttled down from Sussex to fill the site, with twelve brave men and women on the top floor, aiming rifles and machine guns toward the water.
With more military action being organized uptown, Darling said that the city will rest at nothing to protect its citizens.
“Because pirates,” he said, touting his now-famous catchphrase, “are bullshit.”