
Fredericton — Navigating the job market in 2023, post-pandemic, has proven to be an even greater challenge than when we last tried to help out, especially in New Brunswick, where opportunities are often in short supply.
With a plethora of qualifications to meet and fierce competition, the job-hunting landscape can appear daunting. To decode the job requirements and make your search on platforms like CareerBeacon and Indeed more manageable, consider this updated guide as your key to unlocking that elusive perfect position in New Brunswick.
- “We are a dynamic team”: We have too few employees for the amount of work to be done, and everyone must work at a harried pace with no breaks.
- “Lots of opportunity for growth”: Our turnover is so high, that it’s likely your manager will quit within the week and you can snag his position.
- “Opportunities for continuing education”: This job is such a dead end that you’ll reconsider all your life choices, and realize with impending doom that you have no option but to go back to school as a mature student.
- “On-site parking provided”: We do not provide actual benefits. A $15 parking fee will be deducted from each paycheque.
- “Pay is $15.90-$24.47 an hour”: Pay is $15.90 an hour.
- “Physical demands”: Get paid like shit to break your back — with no health coverage.
- “Three to five years’ experience preferred”: Ten to fifteen years’ experience required.
- “Hybrid work model”: Technically you can work from home, but unless we see you in person every day, you’ll never be promoted and will be the first to be laid off.
- “No previous experience required”: We pay minimum wage.
- “Benefits include casual dress and company social events”: No benefits.
- “Must be driven”: Just get driven over to Service Canada to apply for E.I. now.
- “Write us to explain why you’d be a good fit”: As long as you suck up to us, we don’t care what your actual skills and qualifications are.
- “Must have the ability to evangelize new technologies”: We operate like a cult. The boss is the Leader. Drink our Kool-Aid!
- “Demonstrated success in driving sales”: We’re going to put you through nine interviews and five unpaid shifts before we hire the manager’s cousin.
- “Weekends as needed”: Sacrificing your personal life will never not be needed.
- “Ability to solve problems by consulting the appropriate team member”: You will receive no training, your boss will be too busy to answer your questions, so you’ll be forced to incessantly bother your coworkers to find out how to do every little thing.
- “Competitive wages”: We do not pay a living wage. But, sadly, this is “competitive” in today’s market.
- “Must be career-focused”: Must not have a family, friends, hobbies or interests outside of work.
- “Join our fun team”: We’ll all go to an escape room in December to make you forget you have no time off and we don’t give Christmas bonuses.
- “We’re hiring immediately”: Our turnover is so high we cannot keep positions filled.
- “Ideal candidate must understand how to create a great customer experience”: This is literally a part-time barista job for high school students.
- “Ability to use office technology”: You’re going to be making Excel spreadsheets until you die.
- “Skilled at resolving conflict”: This is a toxic work environment with underqualified management — this is now your problem.
- “Apply on our site”: Create a cover letter and resume tailored specifically toward this job. Then fill out the exact same information on the job website where you found this posting. Then fill the same information out on our company’s online form. Then attach your resume and cover letter in an email and send directly to our hiring manager with a fun fact about yourself and a blurb about why we should hire you.