New Brunswick — As the province collectively trudges though what is traditionally the dead of winter, today’s forecast contains a little something for everyone.
This morning, the province was under five separate weather warnings for snowfall, rainfall, freezing rain, wind and flash freeze.
However, things have gone from bad to worse as of time of publication. Now, Environment Canada is forecasting literally all of the weather to happen in New Brunswick today.
When asked for clarification, the forecaster said due to some kind of unholy portal to Hell opening in the southeast, the province will experience every single type of weather beginning later today and lasting for the next 24 hours.
“It starts out pretty normal…well, not normal normal, but things we’ve seen before,” explained meteorologist Matt Teo. “Rain, snow, flooding, crazy winds, blah blah blah.”
“Then things start to get supernatural. Once everything gets covered in about six feet of snow, then it rains like crazy for about four hours dumping about 1000mm. Then, that all suddenly freezes solid like that movie The Day After Tomorrow, triggering a brief ice age lasting about four hours.
“But buckle your seatbelts, there’s more weather on the way!” he said. “Next, it will be simultaneously day and night in York County, while tidal snow waves will turn the Acadian peninsula into what can only be described as a glacier for about 12 hours.
“A snowman army will be conjured in Charlotte County which rise up and murder the local civilian population, while freaky-deaky lightning electrocutes hundreds in Victoria and Sunbury counties.
“In Restigouche County, a witch will ask a child a riddle. If the child answers incorrectly, thousands will perish a grisly, painful death. But, if the child answers correctly, the county will celebrate a century of abundance and prosperity and the child will grow to become a great leader. But, the witch speaks only English, and the child speaks only French!
“In Kent County, sunny. Chance of showers.”