Truth behind Saint John cab shortage revealed

Saint John — Residents of Saint John have been having difficulty getting taxi service in the city for the past year. “It’s crazy … especially on the weekends! I used to get worried if a cab didn’t show up in 15 minutes,” said Saint John resident Liam Attwater. “Now I don’t even bother calling to check on it until I’ve been waiting at least an hour.” During peak times, the wait period could be hours long, and people are looking for answers.

The Manatee has discovered the surprising truth: local funeral homes have put pressure on the city’s taxi companies to scale back their service. A funeral home employee who asked to remain anonymous explained: “I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer. The people of Saint John deserve better!” he exclaimed. “About a year ago, all the local funeral home big-wigs got together to come up with a plan to put pressure on the cab companies. Death is big business, and there was lots of money to throw around.”

Deathtaxi2According to our anonymous source, taxi companies were bribed in exchange for cutting back their services. “We even made them agree to randomly choose 2 half-hour periods per day where they just don’t answer their phones,” he said.

How would funeral homes benefit from poor taxi service in the city? “This’ll put me 6 feet under in an Aurora 20 Gauge Non-Gasketed Steel Coffin if the others catch wind that I spoke to you, but no cabs is good for business,” he explained. “Think about it: people who can’t get a cab still gotta get where they need to go. Maybe they had a few drinks before they tried to call a cab, and then they can’t get one. All it takes is one big accident to keep our lights on for a month.”

A single funeral can cost anywhere between $5,000 and $15,000, the source explained. “It used to be, we could depend on cigarettes and McDonald’s to keep business booming, but that must not be working anymore. People are getting healthy these days, but no paycheque is worth getting people killed. I deal with death every day, but I’m no monster.”

When asked whether he thought there was a solution to this problem, our source said, “I don’t know … maybe that Uber thing will spring up in Saint John. Big Füney would probably block that, though. I guess the best thing to do is to have a designated driver. Nobody likes that job, but being sober for a night is better than being dead.”