Fredericton — Despite the recent controversy surrounding college application cheating that has implicated a number of prominent stars and ivy league schools, University of New Brunswick president Eddy Campbell told The Manatee that he remains “completely open” to the prospect of celebrity bribes in exchange for the admittance of their child.
“In the wake of this scandal, we want to be completely transparent about our position on the matter,” Campbell wrote in a statement. “We are absolutely in favour of it, and would welcome a similar investment at our own establishment.”
The Manatee met with Campbell in his office on Tuesday, the walls of which were filled with equal parts certificates of academic achievement and gaudy Hollywood memorabilia, to discuss this announcement.
“This is the actual fat suit used in the delightful Eddie Murphy comedy Norbit!” he exclaimed, gleefully holding the garment to his chest. “Isn’t it simply fetching? So much better than another addition to the Student Union Building. Worth every penny.”
After showing off a few more of his prized items, he revealed more details about the university’s policy on celebrity bribes. For instance, what if the student’s grades were not up to the usual standard of the university’s enrollment policy?
“Oh, no, I would like to make it perfectly clear that the bar would be set quite low in that regard,” he dismissed, admiring his signed script for 2009’s Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel, prominently displayed over his liquor cabinet.
“Even if they had, say, a dog they thought could stand to benefit from our programs or facilities, we could be persuaded to allow it entry — for the right price, of course.”
Really? A Dog?
“We would insist on its wearing a collar, naturally, for the sake of appearance. But we don’t find the idea on the whole to be disagreeable, no.”
When asked at what cost would such an ill-gotten admittance come to the celebrity parent, Campbell hesitated, for he seemed to never have seriously considered the matter.
“I supposed I would be satisfied to have my picture taken with the parent, depending on who they are,” he said, before quickly adding, “Signed, of course. We do have standards to uphold, you know — we’re not St. Thomas.”