WestJet passenger tests positive for contact with Moncton

WestJet passenger tests positive for contact with Moncton

Moncton — Air travel within Canada continues to be limited to essential needs only, while airports put forward their best efforts to protect their patrons. Nevertheless, it was announced Monday that one passenger, en route from Toronto to Nova Scotia, was confirmed to have come into contact with the city of Moncton. 

Shortly after arriving at their destination, it was confirmed that said passenger tested positive for MRD-19, colloquially known as “Moncton contamination.”

“It’s an unfortunate reality that some of our flights do, in fact, have to stop in Moncton before moving on to more civilized locations,” wrote WestJet, in a release. “We take every precaution to ensure that the risk of passengers coming into contact with Moncton is kept to an absolute minimum.”

The passenger agreed to speak with The Manatee over Zoom, but requested that their identity remain secret, for fear that their friends and coworkers might learn of their affliction. 

“We were assured that we would have no contact with anybody or anything outside of the airport,” said the anonymous passenger. “So I don’t know how it could have happened. They’re telling me something about a magnetic…mountain, or something, interacting with the fillings in my teeth.

“Apparently it’s their ‘greatest attraction,’” added the passenger. “God, that city is the worst.”

WestJet has admitted full culpability for the incident, and has stated that they will be diverting all future flights through safer, less contaminated cities — such as New York. 

  1. Hey Fucktards, Your story titled “WestJet passenger tests positive for contact with Moncton” is being reported in legitimate news now. Too soon, Assholes. Take it down and print a retraction.

  2. Imagine getting upset at satire.
    oh wait.

  3. I have to congratulate you on your response. It was pretty perfect. We have been laughing about it all morning. Well played. #fucktardsnailedit


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