New Brunswick — The Province of New Brunswick has officially ceded from the Dominion of Canada to form the New Kingdom of Brunswick.
“This is a great day for all New Brunswickers as we establish the world’s newest independent region and we start preparing to withdraw our germ-free society from the world stage,” proclaimed the newly crowned Emperor Higgs.
“While watching Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and getting ready to flaunt my geekiness on May the 4th, I was inspired by Emperor Palpatine’s use of a crisis to grab and maintain perpetual power,” said Higgs. “We promised a lockdown of two weeks to get the hospitals ready for the virus, and scare the population with grave numbers of death and stress to the medical system, but it was all really just the foundations of my ultimate plan.”
On May 4 at 12:01 a.m., Prime Minister Trudeau and the provincial premiers voted unanimously to allow New Brunswick to break from the dominion of Canada and establish an independent territory.
“This is fantastic news for our nation,” announced Prime Minister Trudeau. “New Brunswick was a major expense to the federal coffers, and this allows us to concentrate on revitalizing productive parts of Canada, such as Alberta.”
Premier Jason Kenney of Alberta was overjoyed at the reduction of transfer payments to New Brunswick. “As a bonus to us, since the citizens of Brunswick will no longer be Canadians, all Brunswick workers are technically temporary foreign workers and are now banned from Alberta,” said Kenney.
Under the new governance structure, all current Members of the Legislature will become permanent “Lords of the Realm” of their riding, sending tribute to the capital to maintain their local rule.
“This governance model allows the rule of law to be carried out in all corners of Brunswick without debate or input from our subjects,” said Higgs. “As politicians know better than the under-educated population, the local Lord will ensure the rule of law by decree is followed to the letter.”
Lord Dominic Cardy said the New Kingdom of Brunswick will shift to a farming culture. “Having teachers and government officials with full pay and very little productive requirements helped us to establish a new economic structure. Young people will be sent to work in the fields, and education will now focus on elementary reading and writing, with basic math principles.
“People will be safe, have jobs in our approved professions, and we will let them know which activities are sanctioned by the kingdom. Any activities that present Brunswickers as deplorable or unsophisticated will be banned, and practitioners of such hobbies will be ridiculed in the press and social media. Look at what we did with ATVers; public humiliation is a great way of controlling the masses.”
All peace officers will become part of the Higgs Imperial Guard, named after the Star Wars characters. As all successful emperors require a sorcerer, Dr. Jennifer Russell will be the Senior Adviser to Emperor Higgs.
“Face masks will become mandatory while out in the public, as Brunswick never produced a large quantity of good-looking Hollywood movie stars, and thus should be covered at all times,” said Sorcerer Russell. “Anyone that comes to the hospital due to an accident that occurred while not social distancing shall be thrown into the Sarlacc’s Pit.”
Despite some public outcry, Higgs remains confident that the new system will thrive. “Rumours of a Jedi temple being built on Mount Carleton are greatly exaggerated, and it would be destroyed if there were any truth behind any resistance,” he said. “The only place of worship is in Bouctouche. A great era of peace and safety is upon us! No more political conflict, no more money wasted on foolish elections, no angry voices from the crowd — a new plan for the future.”
Prince Harry was contacted for comment on the new kingdom. “I just left such an establishment…I’m not sure if this is the right direction for the modern world,” said the royal, who followed up with a quote from Thomas Jefferson: “I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery.”