Atlantic Canada — A weekend report by your other siblings has come out saying that, during this year’s Easter egg hunt, your brother’s wimpy kids are probably going to need their eggs to be placed right in front of their goddamn faces, lest they be unable to find them.
The report, commissioned by your older sister, claims that your brother and his wife are probably just going to buy those little foil-wrapped chocolate eggs at Walmart today, and on Easter Sunday will put them in painfully obvious places such as: right in the middle of couch cushions, on top of the TV, on the windowsills (with the curtains open), or on the floor in a trail leading up to a massive Easter basket that the kids will tear open and devour immediately, forgetting about the hunt altogether.
“These coddled kids get frustrated so easily that if they don’t see all the eggs after one second of looking, they’ll give up and start playing on their iPads,” reads page 12 of the report. “Because the kids were told last year that the Easter Bunny isn’t real, no one would be surprised if your brother just sets the unopened package of individually wrapped chocolate eggs on the kids’ beds for them to find when they wake up.
“Kids are used to instant gratification these days — they short-circuit and have a breakdown if things don’t go their way,” continues the discouraging report. “These little wusses in particular can’t grasp why they should have to walk around a room looking for candy when their parents know exactly where each and every item is. It just doesn’t compute.”