Zippo the zebra rejects lame New Brunswick parents for hot Ontario girlfriend

Saint John — New Brunswick will soon be losing yet another of its young to a more alluring out-of-province prospect. Zippo the zebra, of Cherry Brook Zoo in Saint John, has had enough of the have-not province and is bidding farewell to his lame parents in favour or the hot Ontario girlfriend he met on zebra dating website

Zippo’s parents were thrilled to welcome their baby into the world on May 7, but nature quickly turned against the distraught zebra couple when Zippo rejected them almost instantly. “His being a male caused a lot of complications,” said zoo manager Lydia Collins. “He realized the zoo was populated by mostly older animals, and that there’s really nothing for him to do but wait for kids to come around who try to poke at him through the cage. Also, we don’t have any female zebras, so he had to resort to online dating, like so many New Brunswick youths do nowadays.

“So yeah, a pretty rough start.”

Screen Shot 2015-06-19 at 11.21.40 AMZippo’s thirst for excitement caused him to act out early on. “As soon as he was a week old or so, we caught him trying to sneak out of the zoo late at night,” said Collins, shaking her head. “I had locked the gates one Friday evening, and in the morning I could see where he’d tried to break the lock with his hoofs — he thought he might be able to trot his way into the city and have some fun. Luckily his dad caught him and grounded him.

“But lately he’s been calling his parents ‘lame’ and has started sulking around the zoo trying to provoke other animals into fights. And now he’s out of control… biting at kids, making snarky remarks, that kind of thing.”

Zippo, full of angst about the future, didn’t see how he could build a life for himself in New Brunswick. While he was grounded, he made several online dating profiles that led him to meet Zoe, an attractive young female in Tiger Paw Exotics in Arthur, Ont.

“I gotta admit — Zoe’s just right for Zippo,” conceded Collins. “She’s flirty, fun, and can probably show him the time of his life. Way better than anything we’ve got going on here. I guess he’ll be leaving as early as next week; we’re really going to miss him, even though he can be a little asshole sometimes.”

Collins said Cherry Brook was hoping to have a young zebra for at least the summer, but she’s realistic about what New Brunswick zoos have to offer young animals. “I can’t say I blame him — the little guy needs to get out and explore the world before he goes crazy with boredom. But I bet he’ll come crawling back. They always do.”

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