Royal baby completely unaware NBers obsessed with her

New Brunswick — Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge announced the birth of their second child, Charlotte Elizabeth Diana, on Saturday night, and New Brunswickers couldn’t be happier.

According to sources, however, the infant, who is 4th in line to the throne after her grandfather, her father and her brother George, can’t even point out New Brunswick on a map.

Screen Shot 2015-05-04 at 1.37.59 PMThe baby weighed in at 8 lbs, 3 ounces, but at this point doesn’t appear to give so much as a single metric kilogram about New Brunswickers and their love for her. She is the fifth great-grandchild of Queen Elizabeth II — who, as far as The Manatee can tell, also doesn’t give a damn about the have-not Canadian province.

“I just love the royal family,” gushed Kathleen Currie of Minto. “They’re so stately and beautiful and perfect, and I know little Charlotte will be no exception. She’s just the most loveable baby — she’s going to make her parents proud, that’s for sure.”

Currie has 4 children of her own, including a newborn who came into the world just a week ago. That newborn is as of yet unnamed; Currie spent the weeks up to her birth speculating about the name of the royal baby, forgetting to come up with a title for her own offspring.

“This one’s old news,” Currie said, scowling down at the bundle of joy in her arms. “Nowhere near as pretty as Charlotte, and certainly not in line for any throne.” Currie then set the baby down on the couch in the other room so she could continue raving about the royals unhindered.

On May 4, Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) tweeted that the royal baby shall be known as Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. Several New Brunswickers retweeted the news, hoping to gain some attention from the tiny royal. In spite of this, the baby has shown absolutely no interest in the goings-on in Canada, let alone in the Picture Province.

A Manatee reporter was able to gain an exclusive interview with William and Kate, who confirmed that their baby has never said anything about New Brunswick and probably never will. “I haven’t the foggiest what you’re on about,” said Prince William. “Where are you from?”

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